Escape the Maze

 Fury. Rage. Irate. I'm angry. I'm so mad, and I have the right to be. It's not just about what happened now, it's about everything that's happened in the last ten years. A boundary was crossed, a big one, and it just brought up everything you've done, every time you've tiptoed past my red line and I've had to let it go. Well, now I'm done. I'm tired of letting it go. Of begging for your forgiveness, even when I don't feel particularly in the wrong. Of having to apologize a dozen times over just because your pride couldn't handle it, your emotional intelligence wasn't strong enough for empathy. Is it my pride or my anger? Does it even matter? I'm no longer boiling over but I still steam every time I think about it. I'm frustrated, and aggravated, and I keep getting sucked into the wormhole. Why do I always find myself stuck in your drama? I hate that I let it affect me so much. But on the other hand, I've never stood up to...

 FTT.  Failure to thrive. It sure feels like a failure to me.  But how can he be failing to thrive when I see him thrive beside me every day? He's learning new things and becoming a whole person with traits and flaws and that mischievous look in his eyes. In my dreams he's already walking and it will be here any day now.  Failure to thrive. How can three simple words make a world come crashing down? I feel like I've failed as a parent, as a mother, at the most basic thing - food. I can barely feed myself, how am I supposed to feed my child? Well, here's proof that I can't. I didn't. I failed. How can I help him develop a healthy relationship with food when I can't even picture in my head what that looks like? There's so much toxicity surrounding me it's hard to find clarity, to understand what I want. To shut out all the voices. Failure to thrive.  And I feel like I'm falling apart, how can I have failed so epically? How did I not see the signs? ...

 There are so many words, I don't know where to start. It's been so long since I let them all out. All the thoughts and emotions and spiraling thoughts have just been building up until now I feel like I might explode or alternatively I might just go numb entirely. I'm tired, I'm scared, I feel the pressure. I'm happy and nervous, excited and disappointed. How do I navigate all these conflicting thoughts? I guess this is the first step. Is there even a right way to parent? There's an ideal that I think every parent might have, but no one ever really reaches that ideal. But am I doing what's right for my kid or what's right and easy for me? Am I taking the easy way out? Am I harming him with my laziness? I never wanted my depression to affect my parenting but it already has and is and it scares me that I might be turning into someone I don't want to be. I love my work. It's exciting, and nerve-wracking, and fascinating. But am I doing enough? Am I ...

 Uncertainty, fear, anxiety.  Who knows what this next step will be? It all depends on tomorrow's appointment. And Sunday's. And Monday's.  I thought we were past this, that it was a one-time-only deal. But I guess not. Are they connected? Who knows. Either way, I don't want to have to go through that again. I'm disappointed, tired, exhausted. I can't even imagine having this whole ordeal all over again. Hospital, check-ups knowing things won't be alright, a loss I can't describe. Grief. Guilt. Shame? Disappointment. I think that's the overall feeling. Not "will I be a good mother?" Not "it's all my fault." Just "I'm disappointed it had to end this way, again." I'm in a much better place than I was, than I've ever been. It's surprising to me, but I'm trying to stay proud about it. About the fact that I'm okay. I'm coping. I'm not falling apart at the seams, or when I am it's a cont...

 Miscarriage. Abortion. Non-viable fetus. Such complicated names, when they all mean the same thing. Loss. Disappointment. Fear.  We knew for weeks, before the procedure actually took place. And I suppose that made it slightly more bearable. More...manageable? It wasn't easy. Was it hard? I've gone through harder things. Other people seemed to struggle more than I did. Am I broken? I think I'm okay. As much as I try to convince others, I really think I am okay. I'll survive, I'll get through this, I have no doubt about it. If I made it through all my past shit, I can make it through this, easy. I'm grateful for my support system. Which was stronger and wider than I previously thought. Grateful that I didn't have to go through it alone, that L was there with me the whole time.  We'll get through this. I know we will. And when we finally have our own family, we'll remember this fetus, Eddie, and be okay.

I sometimes forget I have PTSD. I've lived with it for so long now that's it's just a part of me. But the thing about trauma is it never lets you forget for long. I find myself frustrated. With myself, with my trauma, with the people around me. How can I still be dealing with this shit, years later? When I've been happy and safe for such a long time already?  It feels unfair. I've done tons of work, improved so much, and still I'm haunted by events that happened years ago. I know, logically, that PTSD is a permanent diagnosis, that it won't go away, probably ever. Emotionally, I have trouble accepting that fact.  My anxiety and depression come and go, but I can deal with them. I know there are days and weeks where I don't even have to think about them. But not trauma. No, Trauma is a monster sitting on my head, jumping on my shoulders, crawling on back. Trauma is here to stay, has made a permanent living space in my brain. Literally! Trauma changes brain...

Two years have come and gone, self harm just a thing of the past. But it's not really. The week before I completed 24 full months of uncut skin, I was so tempted to break it. I remember the feeling from almost three years ago. I had finally been clean for six whole months , but then the pressure was just too much and I hurt myself again. Most of it, I believe, was the stress I was putting myself under, and the fear of living without depression. I have struggled with that despair for a long time. For years I was just a person with depression, and I was scared, because I didn't know who I was without the depression. When something is present in your life for years on end, how do you suddenly survive without it? It's not that simple. I've always known that. I've run away from happiness and purposely sabotaged myself out of fear of the future, fear of the unknown. It would be wrong of me to say that I don't feel that way anymore. That I'm not scared or hurting ...

I'm scared, but if you ask me why, I can't tell you. Scared of the future, I guess, but mostly afraid of myself.  I see old habits slowly returning, and I am not overcoming them. But what terrifies me most is not that I can't, but that I simply choose not to. I choose not to eat and to maybe scratch my wrist a little more than necessary and it's been 23 months since I last cut myself and that's incredible but I can't believe it and the pressure of that is making me want to relapse. I'm hurting and I'm ashamed and I don't even know what I want to say and I didn't even have the words in my head this time but I just felt this lonely emptiness, this blank slate that is my mind. I'm scared because he is, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. And god, I love him, I do, and I truly see a future with him. But that doesn't make my insecurities go away and I'm working on it and every time I'm with him I have to convince myself that h...

I had another anxiety attack last night. I'm scared of coming out, of showing my true self with all my flaws, I'm afraid his family won't accept me. I love him, and I do truly believe I have a future with him, but just showing them how scared and vulnerable and weak I really am? The thought terrifies me. I'm sorry, I know they're friendly and they're very accepting, they probably would not even care! But I am so desperate for their approval, I want so badly for them to like me, that I can't help it. The kids have already gotten used to me, most of them not even batting an eye at my presence, and some even come straight to me to play. It's extremely comforting to know that even the children have accepted me as one of their own. I also realized, that I cannot be a parent. I say that, and I disagree because I want to believe that one day I will be a good mother, but it is so difficult for me to truly believe that. There were nine kids last night, among th...

My head hurts, but it doesn't, my stomach hurts and my anxiety rises. What am I so scared of? I don't want to leave my happy place, but really, does anyone? I'm so confused, and the emotions are tying up my body in uncomfortable ways, making me question my reasoning for things. Tired eyes, exhausted mind and fatigued body. I can't focus, can't concentrate, I'm just so sorry for everything. I'm scared, terrified, of going back to normal. And what's so bad about normal? Nothing, really, except the constant anxiety and my fear and the panic. Why do I even suffer from them? What is there to be scared of? I don't know where all this relentless poison comes from, how it seeps into my body and my mind in so many different ways, but it has to stop. I need it to stop. How do I stop this? Can I learn to control it? So important and yet nothing. I've come up with zero ways to fix this, to fix me. Do I even need fixing? Is that what this is about? Do I still...

I'm sorry, I don't mean to push you away. I do it unconsciously, if it was on purpose I would stop immediately. I take a deep breath but I can't seem to breathe, my lungs can never get enough air in them and I suffocate, choking and turning to lay in the fetal position while I start breathing quick and shallow and my heart rate increases and my mind goes blank and then three sentences pop into my head. You don't want this. This isn't what you bargained for. You don't want to have to put up with this. And I'm sorry that I'm distancing myself from everyone else, I'm sorry I really am. Deep breath. Typing as these loud keys make so much noise and my heart beats with each quick tap and I calm myself with the constant tapping noise of these keys as I type. Repeat myself, over and over, no one can hear me, they don't understand. Adjust myself to everyone else, only to make them adjust themselves to adapt to me. It's not worth all these changes an...

Stress. Anxiety. I'm scared to go back. With all the good comes a lot of bad, and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it. Is anyone ever ready? But I'm not. I'm terrified, I don't know how to control my emotions. I can't handle them and it's difficult for me to deal with myself when I can't even define how I'm feeling in one word. A swirl of emotions, almost all negative, and they are all pressing on me, suffocating me slowly, I feel them closing on my throat and my chest, stabbing me in the heart, puncturing my lungs, stealing away my breath, my heartbeat and my mind. I'm losing my mind and I don't know how to find it, where to find it, can anyone help me? I have to do this alone. I don't want to hurt anyone so I push them away and I end up suffering alone but I can't share the pain with them, they aren't strong enough to deal with it and they'll end up hurting more than I am and fuck it hurts and it hurts to hurt them and I ...

Confidence. That's what life is all about. It's the key to winning, really. I realize that a little bit more every day. Whether it's the way you dress, or dance, or speak, as long as you show that you are comfortable in your own skin, everyone around you will feel it too. I see it when I look at the people around me, when I look at myself in the mirror. It's incredible really, how it doesn't matter what you do. If you do it with confidence, people around you will sense it. I myself often feel awkward, and I am still learning how to be me without caring about anyone else. It gets easier, usually, and when I do manage to let go of the burden of other peoples' opinions, it feels amazing. Truth is, I look at people who dance terribly or aren't the most attractive, but then I see how confident they are and all of a sudden they're sexy , they're beautiful . It never ceases to amaze me, and I don't think it ever will. I hope one day I can learn to be ...

Happy. I'd almost forgotten what it's like. It felt so good out there, laughing and smiling, having fun while singing and dancing. It feels fucking amazing. I haven't felt that good in a really long time. I notice it every day, how my smile becomes more natural, my laugh comes to me more easily. And it's refreshing. Relieving. It's been a long time since happiness was this simple for me, and it's about damn time. I don't know what's changed. Or rather, I don't know what caused the change. So many things have been happening in my life lately, and maybe that's the reason. I'm learning new things, doing fascinating tasks and meeting different people. Everything is changing, but instead of being scary, it's wonderful. I'm not afraid of the change anymore, instead I welcome it, I look forward to it. Every day is a new day for me, a new day to change my life, to grow more comfortable with myself and around other people. I feel good just s...

Write and never stop, let it all pour out. So much has been happening, so many thoughts and words that I'd like to say, that I'm too afraid to say. Everything, everyone,  scares me. I fear love more than anything. I've been pushing them away, why? Force of habit. I miss you, her, him, them. I can't stand the loneliness that makes my heart ache and my bones shatter. A deep piercing in my chest, low and powerful. Like a single bass note, hitting me square in the heart. I connect with music, I feel with music, I always have and I always will. It's so confusing, but not to me, it shouldn't be. I feel in music, I describe pain as notes and songs and sounds are how I keep myself awake and aware. As I feel more and write quickly my sentences run together and words become paragraphs become pages and all without commas because I can't stop for breath or I'll forget all I have to say. New topics constantly popping up in my mind, words and feelings that I have no...

I've stopped myself from loving. I've prevented seeds from growing, afraid I wouldn't be able to care for them. They might be planted in enriched soil, but they would never get the sun or rain they would need. I've ripped out bits of green poking out of the ground, because they were growing too strong for my liking. I stare at blossoming fields in jealousy, because my flowers aren't that pretty. Yet, I don't let them grow. I tear them at the roots, pull them from the dirt, because I am afraid. What if my flowers aren't beautiful? Maybe they will require more nurturing than I can provide. I prefer having no flowers at all, a simple patch of healthy soil, than flowers that might not even fully bloom. I found this note on my phone, last edited in August of 2015. It hurts me to say this, but even today I still feel this way. I have been struggling with this very phenomenon a lot lately. Love is a funny thing. Every day, every person I talk to, I have to fight...

This past week hasn't been easy for me, and I've been writing lots of angry rants. They're piling up on my phone and in my mind and I need to get them out, need to get rid of them, even if no one sees it, even if it will hurt some people, I just have to let it go and I can't do that if they're just sitting in my own dark corner, I need to set them free so I can let go of them. The problem with chocolate is, as soon as I take the first bite, I'm craving it for like a week. I don't actually care enough to do something about it. It's days like this, when I just don't care enough, that throw me off track the most. I want to eat something and I know I shouldn't, so either way I lose. Either I eat some crap I shouldn't or I force myself to not eat and end up hungry. I don't know which is the worse of the two. Usually I eat shit just because not eating is a terrifying habit that's much more addicting. Either way I end up tired and in pain....

I just noticed the strangest thing. I consider myself a relatively open person, sharing my stories and experiences with no second thought. I will always be honest about how I'm feeling, and I will allow you to see me with no shield stopping you. But I also realize that I fight every step of it. I will tell you my trauma, and then hold against you the way you react. I will tell you truthfully what my emotions are, but I won't always tell you why. I will tell you I have difficulty trusting you, but I won't show you the extent of it. If you enter my life, I guarantee you will hurt me. Not because you mean to, or because I am overly sensitive. In fact, people say many things to me that others would find offensive, and I do not. No, you will hurt me because I want you to. I search for a way, a reason, to prove to myself that you are not trustworthy. I will put you in uncomfortable positions because I want to show myself that you will always end up hurting me. I do this uncon...

Busy few weeks, boys galore. There was a time in my life, not so long ago, that I truly believed that there are no good men in this world. Although I've met plenty of boys, guys, and men, more often than not they have turned out to be completely different from what I thought, hoped and expected. Many of them have disappointed me, even those I didn't expect much from. In short, I have been let down by boys many times. Recently, I realized that not all men are the same. Not in a cliche way either. It's not that before I thought all men were the same, I was just so deeply touched and traumatized that it was hard for me to even hope that there was a decent guy somewhere out there. It took multiple years, but I have started to open my mind and accept guys. In general, throughout my life, I have tried not to judge people, to accept everyone and make everyone feel validated. But as one of my friends pointed out to me, I often only extend that kindness to girls and women. While I...

Exhausted. Hurting. Happy. These past few days, weeks, months? have all blurred into a few short moments. Between sleep and pain, work and travel, I can't keep track of time that passes. How am I doing? Fine, good. I'm making friends, but next week I'm leaving them. I've had such loud thoughts, that disappear as soon as I start to write. Coffee slows me down. I've never had such silence. All that time alone, just me and my thoughts and instagram poems. So many words, how can I be significant in the ocean of writers? Every time I read something or its comments, my inspiration goes up. This is what I want to do, what I want to be. I can't wait til it's my book being released. How I'd love to inspire people, motivate them, make them feel the way others make me feel. I've been writing a lot lately, but no one has seen it. My notebook is stashed, I've been sleeping with it under my pillow. It's easier for me to access it there. Work is good for...