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I don't want to go back.

Stress. Anxiety. I'm scared to go back.
With all the good comes a lot of bad, and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it. Is anyone ever ready? But I'm not. I'm terrified, I don't know how to control my emotions. I can't handle them and it's difficult for me to deal with myself when I can't even define how I'm feeling in one word. A swirl of emotions, almost all negative, and they are all pressing on me, suffocating me slowly, I feel them closing on my throat and my chest, stabbing me in the heart, puncturing my lungs, stealing away my breath, my heartbeat and my mind. I'm losing my mind and I don't know how to find it, where to find it, can anyone help me? I have to do this alone. I don't want to hurt anyone so I push them away and I end up suffering alone but I can't share the pain with them, they aren't strong enough to deal with it and they'll end up hurting more than I am and fuck it hurts and it hurts to hurt them and I leave everyone else and goodbye because you can't handle me and you don't know what to do with me and I'm sorry because I don't know either.
How can I expect you to take care of me if I don't -- can't -- take care of myself? I don't because I know you can't deal with me. I'm fucking exhausted of all these emotions and thoughts and feelings they're just all so tiring and I want to leave, please don't take me back, don't make me go back there, I'm scared. I panic. Leave, leave, I want to run away.

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