Escape the Maze

 Fury. Rage. Irate. I'm angry. I'm so mad, and I have the right to be. It's not just about what happened now, it's about everything that's happened in the last ten years. A boundary was crossed, a big one, and it just brought up everything you've done, every time you've tiptoed past my red line and I've had to let it go. Well, now I'm done. I'm tired of letting it go. Of begging for your forgiveness, even when I don't feel particularly in the wrong. Of having to apologize a dozen times over just because your pride couldn't handle it, your emotional intelligence wasn't strong enough for empathy. Is it my pride or my anger? Does it even matter? I'm no longer boiling over but I still steam every time I think about it. I'm frustrated, and aggravated, and I keep getting sucked into the wormhole. Why do I always find myself stuck in your drama? I hate that I let it affect me so much. But on the other hand, I've never stood up to...

 FTT.  Failure to thrive. It sure feels like a failure to me.  But how can he be failing to thrive when I see him thrive beside me every day? He's learning new things and becoming a whole person with traits and flaws and that mischievous look in his eyes. In my dreams he's already walking and it will be here any day now.  Failure to thrive. How can three simple words make a world come crashing down? I feel like I've failed as a parent, as a mother, at the most basic thing - food. I can barely feed myself, how am I supposed to feed my child? Well, here's proof that I can't. I didn't. I failed. How can I help him develop a healthy relationship with food when I can't even picture in my head what that looks like? There's so much toxicity surrounding me it's hard to find clarity, to understand what I want. To shut out all the voices. Failure to thrive.  And I feel like I'm falling apart, how can I have failed so epically? How did I not see the signs? ...