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PTSD

I sometimes forget I have PTSD. I've lived with it for so long now that's it's just a part of me. But the thing about trauma is it never lets you forget for long.

I find myself frustrated. With myself, with my trauma, with the people around me. How can I still be dealing with this shit, years later? When I've been happy and safe for such a long time already? 

It feels unfair. I've done tons of work, improved so much, and still I'm haunted by events that happened years ago. I know, logically, that PTSD is a permanent diagnosis, that it won't go away, probably ever. Emotionally, I have trouble accepting that fact. 

My anxiety and depression come and go, but I can deal with them. I know there are days and weeks where I don't even have to think about them. But not trauma. No, Trauma is a monster sitting on my head, jumping on my shoulders, crawling on back. Trauma is here to stay, has made a permanent living space in my brain. Literally! Trauma changes brains, and mine is one of them. I've even learned to deal with most of the symptoms. But the monster itself, big fat Trauma, refuses to leave me, and probably never will.

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