Busy few weeks, boys galore.
There was a time in my life, not so long ago, that I truly believed that there are no good men in this world. Although I've met plenty of boys, guys, and men, more often than not they have turned out to be completely different from what I thought, hoped and expected. Many of them have disappointed me, even those I didn't expect much from. In short, I have been let down by boys many times.
Recently, I realized that not all men are the same. Not in a cliche way either. It's not that before I thought all men were the same, I was just so deeply touched and traumatized that it was hard for me to even hope that there was a decent guy somewhere out there. It took multiple years, but I have started to open my mind and accept guys. In general, throughout my life, I have tried not to judge people, to accept everyone and make everyone feel validated. But as one of my friends pointed out to me, I often only extend that kindness to girls and women. While I understand that men can suffer from trauma, mental illness, abuse and many more terrible things, and in fact, my few male friends have all gone through at least one of the above, I almost always judge as bad. I assume horrible things about them, including lack of respect for women, uncontrollable horniness and utter disgust with girls and their problems. I realize that not all men fall into those categories, and that in fact many of them are opposite. However, despite all this, I have experienced all of the above with many men.
I am disappointed. In boys, for being that way, in myself for believing that. I have met few good men in my life, and sadly I truly mean very few. Men who are loyal, respectful and caring. They're hard to find, and even harder to meet. Where is my hope? How can I ever think I will meet a good guy when they are so rare and few in this world? I wish and hope and I meet new people in different places, but I still have not found many. My male best friend, K, is one of my favorite people in the world, and the only guy I fully trust. He has let me down, I won't lie, but I would place my life in his hands in one second. Sadly, he lives on the other side of the world, and I have not had a chance to hug him in our four years of friendship.
Will I ever find a real guy, a human who is kind caring? Do they exist anymore? Did they ever?
Am I in a position to judge? I am just a girl, and I have plenty of my own problems. I suffer from depression and trauma and I have mood swings that even I cannot anticipate. I explode at all my friends and go days without talking to them, I whine and complain and expect them to listen to my problems. I miss them every day but don't contact them for fear that they're sick of me. I have so many insecurities and doubts about myself and our friendship, and some days I let those fears control me.
Do I have the right to complain about finding 'a perfect guy', or even just 'a good guy', when I'm not entirely sure I'm a 'good girl' myself? I consider myself a good person, but am I? I don't know what that means or how it is shown or measured. My point is, how can I expect someone else to be perfect if I am far from it?
The truth is, I'm not looking for anyone perfect. I am willing to 'settle' for someone who is simply 'good'. But the sad bit is, I haven't even found very many of those. I don't mind emotional baggage. We all have it. All I'm looking for is someone honest and caring. I consider myself to be both of those, but are there really so few people in the world who have both those traits? Love is a difficult thing and I often find it more painful than worthwhile. But I don't believe I've experienced a lot of real love either. I am torn between two thoughts and mindsets, and today all I am going to do is consider them. I don't write to solve my problems, I write to get them out of me. I do not expect to find a Prince Charming, but after writing this, at least I can express myself more clearly.
I write purely for myself, yet those who read my writings are so much more likely to understand me.
There was a time in my life, not so long ago, that I truly believed that there are no good men in this world. Although I've met plenty of boys, guys, and men, more often than not they have turned out to be completely different from what I thought, hoped and expected. Many of them have disappointed me, even those I didn't expect much from. In short, I have been let down by boys many times.
Recently, I realized that not all men are the same. Not in a cliche way either. It's not that before I thought all men were the same, I was just so deeply touched and traumatized that it was hard for me to even hope that there was a decent guy somewhere out there. It took multiple years, but I have started to open my mind and accept guys. In general, throughout my life, I have tried not to judge people, to accept everyone and make everyone feel validated. But as one of my friends pointed out to me, I often only extend that kindness to girls and women. While I understand that men can suffer from trauma, mental illness, abuse and many more terrible things, and in fact, my few male friends have all gone through at least one of the above, I almost always judge as bad. I assume horrible things about them, including lack of respect for women, uncontrollable horniness and utter disgust with girls and their problems. I realize that not all men fall into those categories, and that in fact many of them are opposite. However, despite all this, I have experienced all of the above with many men.
I am disappointed. In boys, for being that way, in myself for believing that. I have met few good men in my life, and sadly I truly mean very few. Men who are loyal, respectful and caring. They're hard to find, and even harder to meet. Where is my hope? How can I ever think I will meet a good guy when they are so rare and few in this world? I wish and hope and I meet new people in different places, but I still have not found many. My male best friend, K, is one of my favorite people in the world, and the only guy I fully trust. He has let me down, I won't lie, but I would place my life in his hands in one second. Sadly, he lives on the other side of the world, and I have not had a chance to hug him in our four years of friendship.
Will I ever find a real guy, a human who is kind caring? Do they exist anymore? Did they ever?
Am I in a position to judge? I am just a girl, and I have plenty of my own problems. I suffer from depression and trauma and I have mood swings that even I cannot anticipate. I explode at all my friends and go days without talking to them, I whine and complain and expect them to listen to my problems. I miss them every day but don't contact them for fear that they're sick of me. I have so many insecurities and doubts about myself and our friendship, and some days I let those fears control me.
Do I have the right to complain about finding 'a perfect guy', or even just 'a good guy', when I'm not entirely sure I'm a 'good girl' myself? I consider myself a good person, but am I? I don't know what that means or how it is shown or measured. My point is, how can I expect someone else to be perfect if I am far from it?
The truth is, I'm not looking for anyone perfect. I am willing to 'settle' for someone who is simply 'good'. But the sad bit is, I haven't even found very many of those. I don't mind emotional baggage. We all have it. All I'm looking for is someone honest and caring. I consider myself to be both of those, but are there really so few people in the world who have both those traits? Love is a difficult thing and I often find it more painful than worthwhile. But I don't believe I've experienced a lot of real love either. I am torn between two thoughts and mindsets, and today all I am going to do is consider them. I don't write to solve my problems, I write to get them out of me. I do not expect to find a Prince Charming, but after writing this, at least I can express myself more clearly.
I write purely for myself, yet those who read my writings are so much more likely to understand me.