Escape the Maze

Although it's said often enough for everyone to know it by heart, this is true: You are who you are today because of everything you've been through. Everything I have ever experienced, day in and day out, has all made me me. If I had said 'no' five years go, if I hadn't gotten so attached to a stranger online, if I had never listened to that first song that made me fall in love. If I had made one small decision differently, it would have changed everything. Obviously some things are more significant than others. If I had chosen to eat a sandwich this afternoon instead of an omelet, it would have affected my life, though clearly not as much as, say, if I had chosen different friends. Each and every day you have the choice, the option, to change your life. And you do. No matter what you decide at any given moment, you are alternating your day, affecting your life as a whole. I once thought it would be funny to freak out my friend by putting a knife to my skin. That ...

"I'm a writer." This is something I say often, but it's not always easily understood. I said that to someone once, and she replied with, "Well, what does that mean?" How can I explain what it is to be a writer? For me, being a writer is not being able to talk. It's preferring email or letters or text over a phone call, because I feel so much more comfortable with a pen in my hand or a keyboard on my lap than I do when I have to find words to speak. What defines me as a writer? For a while I struggled with this question. What makes me a writer? So I sometimes get the urge to write my feelings. Isn't that normal? Doesn't everyone else feel like that too? The answer came to me, unsurprisingly, during a writing session. I realized, the difference between me and someone else, can mainly be boiled down to two things. The first is, I feel it. I feel my words, they flow through me, and when I start typing I cannot stop. I feel the words in my v...

A relationship, by definition, is something mutual. When it becomes one-sided, usually it turns unhealthy pretty quickly. I have experienced a one-sided friendship, from both sides. I have been the one fighting to keep it strong, and I have been the one trying to slowly distance myself. It's difficult in either position. When someone is trying so hard to make you leave, how can you stay? Alternatively, how could you leave? If they are pushing you away, chances are that's when they need you more than ever. But when you feel like someone is bringing you down, or affecting you poorly, sometimes you have to just let go. My favorite quote about leaving is by John Green:  “It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” The first time I had to leave, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. After three years of emotional abuse, I had to rip myself away from the poison that kept me close. I tried, many times, but I could not s...

Until a month or two ago, I had almost forgotten what fibromyalgia is like. I was diagnosed with this chronic disease almost three years ago. When asked to explain what it is, the easiest way is this: Fibromyalgia is hurting, everywhere, all the time. In truth, it's more than that. It's fatigue, in every limb and muscle. It's not being able to get out of bed, from pain, exhaustion, depression. It's paralyzing at times. It's so much more than can be explained in words. Fibromyalgia is the reason why, when I poke my brothers, it hurts my finger more than it hurts them. Fibromyalgia is stubbing my toe, and feeling the excruciating pain for five full minutes. I don't eat sugar, don't eat wheat, all to lessen the symptoms of my fibro. For years, I suffered terribly from it. I ached, I hurt, I was constantly overcome with uncontrollable fatigue. When I escaped my poison, threw myself into my therapy and learned to have my own friends, the pain started to fade....