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Not Again

 Uncertainty, fear, anxiety. 

Who knows what this next step will be?

It all depends on tomorrow's appointment. And Sunday's. And Monday's. 

I thought we were past this, that it was a one-time-only deal. But I guess not. Are they connected? Who knows. Either way, I don't want to have to go through that again. I'm disappointed, tired, exhausted. I can't even imagine having this whole ordeal all over again. Hospital, check-ups knowing things won't be alright, a loss I can't describe. Grief. Guilt. Shame? Disappointment. I think that's the overall feeling. Not "will I be a good mother?" Not "it's all my fault." Just "I'm disappointed it had to end this way, again."


I'm in a much better place than I was, than I've ever been. It's surprising to me, but I'm trying to stay proud about it. About the fact that I'm okay. I'm coping. I'm not falling apart at the seams, or when I am it's a controlled falling apart. I'm okay. I mean, I'm not, I'm hurting and sad and grieving. But overall I'm okay, which is weird. I'm surprised that I'm coping. And I guess I'm somewhat proud as well. 

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