Escape the Maze

My head hurts, but it doesn't, my stomach hurts and my anxiety rises. What am I so scared of? I don't want to leave my happy place, but really, does anyone? I'm so confused, and the emotions are tying up my body in uncomfortable ways, making me question my reasoning for things. Tired eyes, exhausted mind and fatigued body. I can't focus, can't concentrate, I'm just so sorry for everything. I'm scared, terrified, of going back to normal. And what's so bad about normal? Nothing, really, except the constant anxiety and my fear and the panic. Why do I even suffer from them? What is there to be scared of? I don't know where all this relentless poison comes from, how it seeps into my body and my mind in so many different ways, but it has to stop. I need it to stop. How do I stop this? Can I learn to control it? So important and yet nothing. I've come up with zero ways to fix this, to fix me. Do I even need fixing? Is that what this is about? Do I still...

I'm sorry, I don't mean to push you away. I do it unconsciously, if it was on purpose I would stop immediately. I take a deep breath but I can't seem to breathe, my lungs can never get enough air in them and I suffocate, choking and turning to lay in the fetal position while I start breathing quick and shallow and my heart rate increases and my mind goes blank and then three sentences pop into my head. You don't want this. This isn't what you bargained for. You don't want to have to put up with this. And I'm sorry that I'm distancing myself from everyone else, I'm sorry I really am. Deep breath. Typing as these loud keys make so much noise and my heart beats with each quick tap and I calm myself with the constant tapping noise of these keys as I type. Repeat myself, over and over, no one can hear me, they don't understand. Adjust myself to everyone else, only to make them adjust themselves to adapt to me. It's not worth all these changes an...

Stress. Anxiety. I'm scared to go back. With all the good comes a lot of bad, and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it. Is anyone ever ready? But I'm not. I'm terrified, I don't know how to control my emotions. I can't handle them and it's difficult for me to deal with myself when I can't even define how I'm feeling in one word. A swirl of emotions, almost all negative, and they are all pressing on me, suffocating me slowly, I feel them closing on my throat and my chest, stabbing me in the heart, puncturing my lungs, stealing away my breath, my heartbeat and my mind. I'm losing my mind and I don't know how to find it, where to find it, can anyone help me? I have to do this alone. I don't want to hurt anyone so I push them away and I end up suffering alone but I can't share the pain with them, they aren't strong enough to deal with it and they'll end up hurting more than I am and fuck it hurts and it hurts to hurt them and I ...