Escape the Maze

 FTT.  Failure to thrive. It sure feels like a failure to me.  But how can he be failing to thrive when I see him thrive beside me every day? He's learning new things and becoming a whole person with traits and flaws and that mischievous look in his eyes. In my dreams he's already walking and it will be here any day now.  Failure to thrive. How can three simple words make a world come crashing down? I feel like I've failed as a parent, as a mother, at the most basic thing - food. I can barely feed myself, how am I supposed to feed my child? Well, here's proof that I can't. I didn't. I failed. How can I help him develop a healthy relationship with food when I can't even picture in my head what that looks like? There's so much toxicity surrounding me it's hard to find clarity, to understand what I want. To shut out all the voices. Failure to thrive.  And I feel like I'm falling apart, how can I have failed so epically? How did I not see the signs? ...

 There are so many words, I don't know where to start. It's been so long since I let them all out. All the thoughts and emotions and spiraling thoughts have just been building up until now I feel like I might explode or alternatively I might just go numb entirely. I'm tired, I'm scared, I feel the pressure. I'm happy and nervous, excited and disappointed. How do I navigate all these conflicting thoughts? I guess this is the first step. Is there even a right way to parent? There's an ideal that I think every parent might have, but no one ever really reaches that ideal. But am I doing what's right for my kid or what's right and easy for me? Am I taking the easy way out? Am I harming him with my laziness? I never wanted my depression to affect my parenting but it already has and is and it scares me that I might be turning into someone I don't want to be. I love my work. It's exciting, and nerve-wracking, and fascinating. But am I doing enough? Am I ...

 Uncertainty, fear, anxiety.  Who knows what this next step will be? It all depends on tomorrow's appointment. And Sunday's. And Monday's.  I thought we were past this, that it was a one-time-only deal. But I guess not. Are they connected? Who knows. Either way, I don't want to have to go through that again. I'm disappointed, tired, exhausted. I can't even imagine having this whole ordeal all over again. Hospital, check-ups knowing things won't be alright, a loss I can't describe. Grief. Guilt. Shame? Disappointment. I think that's the overall feeling. Not "will I be a good mother?" Not "it's all my fault." Just "I'm disappointed it had to end this way, again." I'm in a much better place than I was, than I've ever been. It's surprising to me, but I'm trying to stay proud about it. About the fact that I'm okay. I'm coping. I'm not falling apart at the seams, or when I am it's a cont...

 Miscarriage. Abortion. Non-viable fetus. Such complicated names, when they all mean the same thing. Loss. Disappointment. Fear.  We knew for weeks, before the procedure actually took place. And I suppose that made it slightly more bearable. More...manageable? It wasn't easy. Was it hard? I've gone through harder things. Other people seemed to struggle more than I did. Am I broken? I think I'm okay. As much as I try to convince others, I really think I am okay. I'll survive, I'll get through this, I have no doubt about it. If I made it through all my past shit, I can make it through this, easy. I'm grateful for my support system. Which was stronger and wider than I previously thought. Grateful that I didn't have to go through it alone, that L was there with me the whole time.  We'll get through this. I know we will. And when we finally have our own family, we'll remember this fetus, Eddie, and be okay.

I sometimes forget I have PTSD. I've lived with it for so long now that's it's just a part of me. But the thing about trauma is it never lets you forget for long. I find myself frustrated. With myself, with my trauma, with the people around me. How can I still be dealing with this shit, years later? When I've been happy and safe for such a long time already?  It feels unfair. I've done tons of work, improved so much, and still I'm haunted by events that happened years ago. I know, logically, that PTSD is a permanent diagnosis, that it won't go away, probably ever. Emotionally, I have trouble accepting that fact.  My anxiety and depression come and go, but I can deal with them. I know there are days and weeks where I don't even have to think about them. But not trauma. No, Trauma is a monster sitting on my head, jumping on my shoulders, crawling on back. Trauma is here to stay, has made a permanent living space in my brain. Literally! Trauma changes brain...

Two years have come and gone, self harm just a thing of the past. But it's not really. The week before I completed 24 full months of uncut skin, I was so tempted to break it. I remember the feeling from almost three years ago. I had finally been clean for six whole months , but then the pressure was just too much and I hurt myself again. Most of it, I believe, was the stress I was putting myself under, and the fear of living without depression. I have struggled with that despair for a long time. For years I was just a person with depression, and I was scared, because I didn't know who I was without the depression. When something is present in your life for years on end, how do you suddenly survive without it? It's not that simple. I've always known that. I've run away from happiness and purposely sabotaged myself out of fear of the future, fear of the unknown. It would be wrong of me to say that I don't feel that way anymore. That I'm not scared or hurting ...