Escape the Maze

I'm scared, but if you ask me why, I can't tell you. Scared of the future, I guess, but mostly afraid of myself.  I see old habits slowly returning, and I am not overcoming them. But what terrifies me most is not that I can't, but that I simply choose not to. I choose not to eat and to maybe scratch my wrist a little more than necessary and it's been 23 months since I last cut myself and that's incredible but I can't believe it and the pressure of that is making me want to relapse. I'm hurting and I'm ashamed and I don't even know what I want to say and I didn't even have the words in my head this time but I just felt this lonely emptiness, this blank slate that is my mind. I'm scared because he is, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. And god, I love him, I do, and I truly see a future with him. But that doesn't make my insecurities go away and I'm working on it and every time I'm with him I have to convince myself that h...

I had another anxiety attack last night. I'm scared of coming out, of showing my true self with all my flaws, I'm afraid his family won't accept me. I love him, and I do truly believe I have a future with him, but just showing them how scared and vulnerable and weak I really am? The thought terrifies me. I'm sorry, I know they're friendly and they're very accepting, they probably would not even care! But I am so desperate for their approval, I want so badly for them to like me, that I can't help it. The kids have already gotten used to me, most of them not even batting an eye at my presence, and some even come straight to me to play. It's extremely comforting to know that even the children have accepted me as one of their own. I also realized, that I cannot be a parent. I say that, and I disagree because I want to believe that one day I will be a good mother, but it is so difficult for me to truly believe that. There were nine kids last night, among th...