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FTT

 FTT. 

Failure to thrive.

It sure feels like a failure to me. 

But how can he be failing to thrive when I see him thrive beside me every day? He's learning new things and becoming a whole person with traits and flaws and that mischievous look in his eyes. In my dreams he's already walking and it will be here any day now. 

Failure to thrive.

How can three simple words make a world come crashing down? I feel like I've failed as a parent, as a mother, at the most basic thing - food. I can barely feed myself, how am I supposed to feed my child? Well, here's proof that I can't. I didn't. I failed. How can I help him develop a healthy relationship with food when I can't even picture in my head what that looks like? There's so much toxicity surrounding me it's hard to find clarity, to understand what I want. To shut out all the voices.

Failure to thrive. 

And I feel like I'm falling apart, how can I have failed so epically? How did I not see the signs? Or rather, how did I not give them enough of my attention? Was I wrong to think that his pace is okay, as long as there's progress? Am I wrong for trusting my baby and trusting my gut, for hoping everything will work out in its own time? 

Failure to thrive.

But he's fine! Look at him! He's happy and loving and smart. He's mischievous and cute and never stops moving. Failure to thrive? How can that be! I love him so much I feel like I might explode and at the same time I've never been more stressed in my life. How can I cope with this overbearing weight? I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams and I'll burst into tears any minute now (for the third time today) and I can't breathe and this lump in my throat won't go away.

Failure to thrive.

How can I even think about having another child when I can barely take care of the one I have?

How do I deal with the grief that thought brings with it? 

How do I stop myself from falling apart?

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