I'm scared, but if you ask me why, I can't tell you. Scared of the future, I guess, but mostly afraid of myself. I see old habits slowly returning, and I am not overcoming them. But what terrifies me most is not that I can't, but that I simply choose not to. I choose not to eat and to maybe scratch my wrist a little more than necessary and it's been 23 months since I last cut myself and that's incredible but I can't believe it and the pressure of that is making me want to relapse. I'm hurting and I'm ashamed and I don't even know what I want to say and I didn't even have the words in my head this time but I just felt this lonely emptiness, this blank slate that is my mind. I'm scared because he is, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. And god, I love him, I do, and I truly see a future with him. But that doesn't make my insecurities go away and I'm working on it and every time I'm with him I have to convince myself that he loves me, but I'm hurting him and isn't it true that when you love someone, you let them go? After all, that's what I've been reading for years. I feel like I'm keeping him back, selfishly taking him all to myself when I know he deserves more, he shouldn't have to handle so much, I'm way too much for him to handle because I'm too much for even me to handle.
I'm sorry, I say but he won't listen, claims I'm who he wants, he'd do anything for me. I'm terrified because in his eyes I can see the truth behind that statement, I can feel the love he radiates and tries to make me absorb when he looks into 'your sad eyes' that say so much yet don't really explain anything. I'm sorry, because even if you don't see it, I'm not good for you, I'm poisoning your mind with negative thoughts and possible relapses and you should be afraid of losing me. But not because I would leave you, but because you might lose me to myself. And I'm scared of that too because honestly it's what I struggle with every day. And if I did leave you it would also be me to myself because I truly believe I'm not good enough for you, you can find better, you deserve someone who makes you happy and doesn't make your eyes 'sad' and I'm sorry and I try but no matter what I do I can't seem to hide these 'sad eyes of mine'.
You say it lightly, 'you and your sad eyes,' but it's just another reminder that I've been through the worst and I'll never recover from that, from the pain of my past. I will forever be carrying these scars in my eyes and on my skin and in my ever-shouting mind. Moments of silence like these are rare, when literally all I've got is a blank piece of paper, a bit of fear and a touch of worry but nothing substantial and nothing significant enough to present itself in a normal way so instead I just stare into space and think of nothing and I shake but I don't cry, I can't cry, no matter how hard I try or how much I want to or who's watching or how much I'm hurting. And I haven't cried in a while now and I feel it building up but I just can't seem to find my release, the feel of tears as they run down my cheeks and I can't believe I miss the feeling of crying but I do. And I never thought I would say that because there have been times in my life when I cried every day at least once but I guess you don't know what you've got til it's gone and crying is one of those things.
I'm stressed because I feel like I should be and I'm tired, so tired, but sleep doesn't come easily to me these days. I'm sorry, I ignore you and I need to write, I'm desperate, I can't control myself and I just need you to hug me and tell me it will be okay. I'm sorry, that seems to be all that ever leaves my mouth and it's what comes naturally to me when I sit in front of a keyboard and I don't have anything to apologize for but that will never stop me, I always feel like I did something wrong. It gets to the point where my stomach is grumbling and I haven't eaten in hours and my head feels heavy but my brain feels light and my lungs are struggling to get enough air and this piercing pain in my chest begs me to sleep and forget all around me. It's not only about control, it's wanting to get better, I learned that the hard way, and as much as I say I do, I'm not sure I can entirely believe that if I'm not doing all I can to help myself.
You tell me to talk to you but this is me talking and you don't seem to be listening. And I know it's difficult for you to get through it, but don't you realize it's just as hard for me? I'm sorry you can't hear but I'm screaming in your face and you just choose to ignore me. So never say I don't share, if you're not interested in being shared with. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I say but he won't listen, claims I'm who he wants, he'd do anything for me. I'm terrified because in his eyes I can see the truth behind that statement, I can feel the love he radiates and tries to make me absorb when he looks into 'your sad eyes' that say so much yet don't really explain anything. I'm sorry, because even if you don't see it, I'm not good for you, I'm poisoning your mind with negative thoughts and possible relapses and you should be afraid of losing me. But not because I would leave you, but because you might lose me to myself. And I'm scared of that too because honestly it's what I struggle with every day. And if I did leave you it would also be me to myself because I truly believe I'm not good enough for you, you can find better, you deserve someone who makes you happy and doesn't make your eyes 'sad' and I'm sorry and I try but no matter what I do I can't seem to hide these 'sad eyes of mine'.
You say it lightly, 'you and your sad eyes,' but it's just another reminder that I've been through the worst and I'll never recover from that, from the pain of my past. I will forever be carrying these scars in my eyes and on my skin and in my ever-shouting mind. Moments of silence like these are rare, when literally all I've got is a blank piece of paper, a bit of fear and a touch of worry but nothing substantial and nothing significant enough to present itself in a normal way so instead I just stare into space and think of nothing and I shake but I don't cry, I can't cry, no matter how hard I try or how much I want to or who's watching or how much I'm hurting. And I haven't cried in a while now and I feel it building up but I just can't seem to find my release, the feel of tears as they run down my cheeks and I can't believe I miss the feeling of crying but I do. And I never thought I would say that because there have been times in my life when I cried every day at least once but I guess you don't know what you've got til it's gone and crying is one of those things.
I'm stressed because I feel like I should be and I'm tired, so tired, but sleep doesn't come easily to me these days. I'm sorry, I ignore you and I need to write, I'm desperate, I can't control myself and I just need you to hug me and tell me it will be okay. I'm sorry, that seems to be all that ever leaves my mouth and it's what comes naturally to me when I sit in front of a keyboard and I don't have anything to apologize for but that will never stop me, I always feel like I did something wrong. It gets to the point where my stomach is grumbling and I haven't eaten in hours and my head feels heavy but my brain feels light and my lungs are struggling to get enough air and this piercing pain in my chest begs me to sleep and forget all around me. It's not only about control, it's wanting to get better, I learned that the hard way, and as much as I say I do, I'm not sure I can entirely believe that if I'm not doing all I can to help myself.
You tell me to talk to you but this is me talking and you don't seem to be listening. And I know it's difficult for you to get through it, but don't you realize it's just as hard for me? I'm sorry you can't hear but I'm screaming in your face and you just choose to ignore me. So never say I don't share, if you're not interested in being shared with. I'm sorry.