I'm sorry, I don't mean to push you away. I do it unconsciously, if it was on purpose I would stop immediately. I take a deep breath but I can't seem to breathe, my lungs can never get enough air in them and I suffocate, choking and turning to lay in the fetal position while I start breathing quick and shallow and my heart rate increases and my mind goes blank and then three sentences pop into my head.
You don't want this. This isn't what you bargained for. You don't want to have to put up with this.
And I'm sorry that I'm distancing myself from everyone else, I'm sorry I really am. Deep breath. Typing as these loud keys make so much noise and my heart beats with each quick tap and I calm myself with the constant tapping noise of these keys as I type. Repeat myself, over and over, no one can hear me, they don't understand. Adjust myself to everyone else, only to make them adjust themselves to adapt to me. It's not worth all these changes and transformations if at the end of it all, neither of us is who we were supposed to become. Be who you are, stay strong as you're supposed to, never do what you're 'supposed to' do. Be your own person and deep breath. Close your eyes and take the jump and trust but don't fall and maybe it will all work out well and I'm scared but that's the way it should be and it just makes so much sense. Careful, don't break me, I'm fragile and maybe I'll step on a piece of glass. Injure my foot and you ruin my everything, I cannot proceed to walk on this path. It will consist of shortcuts and drivebys and that's no way to live now is it. My heart pounds as it tries to escape my chest and I want to let it, I will release it into the wild so it can find its home and where it truly belongs. It belongs with him, but does it? Maybe it belongs with my friends and my family, with the people I've known for many years. How can I trust someone so new so quickly? I don't know how but he managed to capture my trust within a few short weeks and I'm terrified at the thought but he controls me completely, leaving me the choice of free will but making me want nothing other than to choose him. And it's not his fault, it's really not, because my stress and anxiety are the root of it all and I'm just trying to breathe and he calms me down, and I know you can do that too but it's different, it just is. I'm sorry, you don't deserve this, you deserve the best friend I know I could be, the one I once was. Breathing becomes more difficult as my eyes close by themselves, my limbs start aching with exhaustion and I can't even think anymore, rambling words and senseless sentences and capture my heart, you already did.
Millions of thoughts, my mind races every minute as if competing with itself, always trying to move faster, think harder, come up with more words and ideas that make no sense to any but me. I don't want to turn on my phone, the thought causes me stress but at the same time I don't like that it's off and what if someone needs me or what if I need someone else. I'm scared, why am I constantly feeling this fear, this immobilizing, paralyzing fear. It takes over every part of my body, from my tightening muscles to my aching limbs and my closing eyes and my difficulty breathing and perhaps it's why my chest feels tight and my head feels like it's impaled and someone is roasting it over a fire, long metal spear going through my temples from one side through to the other. I know I'm making no sense at all but that's what it's all about, isn't it, making no sense yet somehow understanding it all so clearly, crystallized realizations becoming reality as I take all the unconscious feelings and thoughts that were drifting in my head and body and I put them down, on words, on paper, I get them out of my body as I let them flow through my fingers to the keys. Straight back, deep breath. I'm sorry, I don't mean to abandon you and I just realized it's what I'm doing and I don't like it and I want it to stop. I need air, but I can't get enough, I can never get enough, and I'm afraid I'll suffocate and pass out but after all, that's what I want, isn't it. If I pass out it is no longer me who holds the responsibility to my body, it is the people around me, which makes it easier. Not only do I not need to deal with myself, but I also have other people to blame when things go wrong, and things always go wrong. Life would be so much easier, wouldn't it, if I could hold everyone else responsible for my thoughts and ideas, for my actions and words and everything I do. Let everyone else go, it's not their fault, it's mine. But where do I draw the line between my fault and his, when really it's not me, it's my trauma and is that his fault or mine or neither or both. Life is so difficult and so so complicated and why does it have to be someone's fault? It should just be something I deal with and figure out as I go along but it's not, for some reason it's a hell of a lot harder than that and it includes flashbacks and memories and smells, sounds, tastes that I never missed and never wanted to experience again. I'm sorry, I can't control it all and I can't control myself or my body and it's what screws me over most in life. Not just me but other people too, and I end up hurting the ones I love most and I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You don't want this. This isn't what you bargained for. You don't want to have to put up with this.
And I'm sorry that I'm distancing myself from everyone else, I'm sorry I really am. Deep breath. Typing as these loud keys make so much noise and my heart beats with each quick tap and I calm myself with the constant tapping noise of these keys as I type. Repeat myself, over and over, no one can hear me, they don't understand. Adjust myself to everyone else, only to make them adjust themselves to adapt to me. It's not worth all these changes and transformations if at the end of it all, neither of us is who we were supposed to become. Be who you are, stay strong as you're supposed to, never do what you're 'supposed to' do. Be your own person and deep breath. Close your eyes and take the jump and trust but don't fall and maybe it will all work out well and I'm scared but that's the way it should be and it just makes so much sense. Careful, don't break me, I'm fragile and maybe I'll step on a piece of glass. Injure my foot and you ruin my everything, I cannot proceed to walk on this path. It will consist of shortcuts and drivebys and that's no way to live now is it. My heart pounds as it tries to escape my chest and I want to let it, I will release it into the wild so it can find its home and where it truly belongs. It belongs with him, but does it? Maybe it belongs with my friends and my family, with the people I've known for many years. How can I trust someone so new so quickly? I don't know how but he managed to capture my trust within a few short weeks and I'm terrified at the thought but he controls me completely, leaving me the choice of free will but making me want nothing other than to choose him. And it's not his fault, it's really not, because my stress and anxiety are the root of it all and I'm just trying to breathe and he calms me down, and I know you can do that too but it's different, it just is. I'm sorry, you don't deserve this, you deserve the best friend I know I could be, the one I once was. Breathing becomes more difficult as my eyes close by themselves, my limbs start aching with exhaustion and I can't even think anymore, rambling words and senseless sentences and capture my heart, you already did.
Millions of thoughts, my mind races every minute as if competing with itself, always trying to move faster, think harder, come up with more words and ideas that make no sense to any but me. I don't want to turn on my phone, the thought causes me stress but at the same time I don't like that it's off and what if someone needs me or what if I need someone else. I'm scared, why am I constantly feeling this fear, this immobilizing, paralyzing fear. It takes over every part of my body, from my tightening muscles to my aching limbs and my closing eyes and my difficulty breathing and perhaps it's why my chest feels tight and my head feels like it's impaled and someone is roasting it over a fire, long metal spear going through my temples from one side through to the other. I know I'm making no sense at all but that's what it's all about, isn't it, making no sense yet somehow understanding it all so clearly, crystallized realizations becoming reality as I take all the unconscious feelings and thoughts that were drifting in my head and body and I put them down, on words, on paper, I get them out of my body as I let them flow through my fingers to the keys. Straight back, deep breath. I'm sorry, I don't mean to abandon you and I just realized it's what I'm doing and I don't like it and I want it to stop. I need air, but I can't get enough, I can never get enough, and I'm afraid I'll suffocate and pass out but after all, that's what I want, isn't it. If I pass out it is no longer me who holds the responsibility to my body, it is the people around me, which makes it easier. Not only do I not need to deal with myself, but I also have other people to blame when things go wrong, and things always go wrong. Life would be so much easier, wouldn't it, if I could hold everyone else responsible for my thoughts and ideas, for my actions and words and everything I do. Let everyone else go, it's not their fault, it's mine. But where do I draw the line between my fault and his, when really it's not me, it's my trauma and is that his fault or mine or neither or both. Life is so difficult and so so complicated and why does it have to be someone's fault? It should just be something I deal with and figure out as I go along but it's not, for some reason it's a hell of a lot harder than that and it includes flashbacks and memories and smells, sounds, tastes that I never missed and never wanted to experience again. I'm sorry, I can't control it all and I can't control myself or my body and it's what screws me over most in life. Not just me but other people too, and I end up hurting the ones I love most and I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.