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Overflow

 There are so many words, I don't know where to start. It's been so long since I let them all out. All the thoughts and emotions and spiraling thoughts have just been building up until now I feel like I might explode or alternatively I might just go numb entirely. I'm tired, I'm scared, I feel the pressure. I'm happy and nervous, excited and disappointed. How do I navigate all these conflicting thoughts? I guess this is the first step.

Is there even a right way to parent? There's an ideal that I think every parent might have, but no one ever really reaches that ideal. But am I doing what's right for my kid or what's right and easy for me? Am I taking the easy way out? Am I harming him with my laziness? I never wanted my depression to affect my parenting but it already has and is and it scares me that I might be turning into someone I don't want to be.

I love my work. It's exciting, and nerve-wracking, and fascinating. But am I doing enough? Am I enough How can I do better and learn more and should I be applying for other jobs or doing more here or just continue escaping like I am? What's stopping me from taking on more? Is it what's right for me or what's easy? Do I want another job? Should I put all my eggs in this one basket? Are the other days doing me more harm than good?

I want another kid. But am I doing enough to get there? Am I doing enough with the one I already have? Is there any way to do this and not disappoint myself? Am I being reckless or is he being overly cautious? Could both be true? How do we settle this?

I'm lonely. I don't feel like I have any friends at the moment. No one I can hang out with or turn to or be with. How do I go about making friends? It's easier just to stay home and be sad. But what kind of example do I want to set for my baby? What does he need? And how do I live my life for me, and not just for him? I've overcome so much in these last few years but each new challenge is daunting all over again. Why can't I believe in myself after all I've been thorough and done?

I'm proud of myself, and it's hard to say it. But damn, I've come far. And I believe that I should believe in myself. And at times, I do, in some circumstances, I do. But why is it so hard to take that final leap?

Am I failing myself with food? Have I gotten anywhere? Is this just another bad day or is it a backslide? How can I tell if I'm actually going anywhere or if I just keep ricocheting back to the same place? I want to think that I've made progress but maybe all I can do for today is give myself grace and remind myself that tomorrow is a brand new day and I can try again. I don't need to be perfect every day. I don't need to be perfect any day. But the stress is always sitting on my shoulder, reminding me of all the possible ways I might be failing.

How do I commit to being better? To reminding myself what's important, what I need to do, to not wallowing? I. know what I should do but it's so hard getting there. Maybe I need to glue my non-negotiables somewhere. I need to remind myself constantly to release. Release the stress and the nerves and the fear of failing and the disappointment. I need to learn to just be. How do I learn to cope with bad days? Maybe friendship is where it starts. In getting past the loneliness. It's easier with E, but still not intuitive. I think I'll try getting out more. But it's one thing to say it and another to do it and maybe I just need a shove on the back to get me started.  I'm tired, so tired, emotionally drained. I don't know how to start all of this. I don't think I need therapy right now, I think mainly I need to work through this on my own. I'll try to be more consistent with my writing, letting it out, not letting it build up. Maybe I'll start scheduling a few minutes each day to just getting stuff out. Maybe I'll make it a routine to start working out after he goes to sleep. Or maybe this is just a whole bunch of new maybes that I won't actually stand for. 

It's so easy for me to get frustrated with myself, to feel disappointed, like I'm not living up to some ridiculous standard that no one should have to live up to. How do I stop that from passing on to him? I never want him to feel the pressure that I'm feeling now but we all know you have to lead by example and I just don't know that I'm a very good one. I never know where to start. Curiosity? I suppose 5 minutes is a good start for anything and maybe I just need to throw my phone in the garbage and take a deep breath. I can feel it making me worse but somehow I can't seem to let go of the poison that it is for me. 

So much to say and so much building up and it feels good to let it go. But where do I go from here? What's next? What changes? How do I help myself move forward?

1. Write every day.
2. Start going out more! Gymborees, parks, activities. Just out. It's the only way to meet people, plus it will be good for both of us.
3. Delete apps from my phone. I'll do that right now. 
4. Take a deep breath.
5. Set a reminder to exercise in my calendar. If it's on the calendar, it has to happen. 
6. Give myself grace. I'm only human. There's only so much I can do, and it's unrealistic to hold myself to these standards I have in my mind. No one is perfect. My baby is happy, and loved, and he knows that. He's going to be okay.
7. Take a deep breath.
8. One thing at a time.

I am proud of myself. I struggle but I am still here. I'm still trying and still learning and still doing my best. Even though it's hard. Even when I just want to crawl under my blankets and hide there all day, I don't. I get up, and I smile with my baby, who I love so frickin much, and I keep going. For him. And for me.

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