Escape the Maze

My head hurts, but it doesn't, my stomach hurts and my anxiety rises. What am I so scared of? I don't want to leave my happy place, but really, does anyone? I'm so confused, and the emotions are tying up my body in uncomfortable ways, making me question my reasoning for things. Tired eyes, exhausted mind and fatigued body. I can't focus, can't concentrate, I'm just so sorry for everything. I'm scared, terrified, of going back to normal. And what's so bad about normal? Nothing, really, except the constant anxiety and my fear and the panic. Why do I even suffer from them? What is there to be scared of? I don't know where all this relentless poison comes from, how it seeps into my body and my mind in so many different ways, but it has to stop. I need it to stop. How do I stop this? Can I learn to control it? So important and yet nothing. I've come up with zero ways to fix this, to fix me. Do I even need fixing? Is that what this is about? Do I still...

I'm sorry, I don't mean to push you away. I do it unconsciously, if it was on purpose I would stop immediately. I take a deep breath but I can't seem to breathe, my lungs can never get enough air in them and I suffocate, choking and turning to lay in the fetal position while I start breathing quick and shallow and my heart rate increases and my mind goes blank and then three sentences pop into my head. You don't want this. This isn't what you bargained for. You don't want to have to put up with this. And I'm sorry that I'm distancing myself from everyone else, I'm sorry I really am. Deep breath. Typing as these loud keys make so much noise and my heart beats with each quick tap and I calm myself with the constant tapping noise of these keys as I type. Repeat myself, over and over, no one can hear me, they don't understand. Adjust myself to everyone else, only to make them adjust themselves to adapt to me. It's not worth all these changes an...

Stress. Anxiety. I'm scared to go back. With all the good comes a lot of bad, and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it. Is anyone ever ready? But I'm not. I'm terrified, I don't know how to control my emotions. I can't handle them and it's difficult for me to deal with myself when I can't even define how I'm feeling in one word. A swirl of emotions, almost all negative, and they are all pressing on me, suffocating me slowly, I feel them closing on my throat and my chest, stabbing me in the heart, puncturing my lungs, stealing away my breath, my heartbeat and my mind. I'm losing my mind and I don't know how to find it, where to find it, can anyone help me? I have to do this alone. I don't want to hurt anyone so I push them away and I end up suffering alone but I can't share the pain with them, they aren't strong enough to deal with it and they'll end up hurting more than I am and fuck it hurts and it hurts to hurt them and I ...

Confidence. That's what life is all about. It's the key to winning, really. I realize that a little bit more every day. Whether it's the way you dress, or dance, or speak, as long as you show that you are comfortable in your own skin, everyone around you will feel it too. I see it when I look at the people around me, when I look at myself in the mirror. It's incredible really, how it doesn't matter what you do. If you do it with confidence, people around you will sense it. I myself often feel awkward, and I am still learning how to be me without caring about anyone else. It gets easier, usually, and when I do manage to let go of the burden of other peoples' opinions, it feels amazing. Truth is, I look at people who dance terribly or aren't the most attractive, but then I see how confident they are and all of a sudden they're sexy , they're beautiful . It never ceases to amaze me, and I don't think it ever will. I hope one day I can learn to be ...

Happy. I'd almost forgotten what it's like. It felt so good out there, laughing and smiling, having fun while singing and dancing. It feels fucking amazing. I haven't felt that good in a really long time. I notice it every day, how my smile becomes more natural, my laugh comes to me more easily. And it's refreshing. Relieving. It's been a long time since happiness was this simple for me, and it's about damn time. I don't know what's changed. Or rather, I don't know what caused the change. So many things have been happening in my life lately, and maybe that's the reason. I'm learning new things, doing fascinating tasks and meeting different people. Everything is changing, but instead of being scary, it's wonderful. I'm not afraid of the change anymore, instead I welcome it, I look forward to it. Every day is a new day for me, a new day to change my life, to grow more comfortable with myself and around other people. I feel good just s...

Write and never stop, let it all pour out. So much has been happening, so many thoughts and words that I'd like to say, that I'm too afraid to say. Everything, everyone,  scares me. I fear love more than anything. I've been pushing them away, why? Force of habit. I miss you, her, him, them. I can't stand the loneliness that makes my heart ache and my bones shatter. A deep piercing in my chest, low and powerful. Like a single bass note, hitting me square in the heart. I connect with music, I feel with music, I always have and I always will. It's so confusing, but not to me, it shouldn't be. I feel in music, I describe pain as notes and songs and sounds are how I keep myself awake and aware. As I feel more and write quickly my sentences run together and words become paragraphs become pages and all without commas because I can't stop for breath or I'll forget all I have to say. New topics constantly popping up in my mind, words and feelings that I have no...

I've stopped myself from loving. I've prevented seeds from growing, afraid I wouldn't be able to care for them. They might be planted in enriched soil, but they would never get the sun or rain they would need. I've ripped out bits of green poking out of the ground, because they were growing too strong for my liking. I stare at blossoming fields in jealousy, because my flowers aren't that pretty. Yet, I don't let them grow. I tear them at the roots, pull them from the dirt, because I am afraid. What if my flowers aren't beautiful? Maybe they will require more nurturing than I can provide. I prefer having no flowers at all, a simple patch of healthy soil, than flowers that might not even fully bloom. I found this note on my phone, last edited in August of 2015. It hurts me to say this, but even today I still feel this way. I have been struggling with this very phenomenon a lot lately. Love is a funny thing. Every day, every person I talk to, I have to fight...