Escape the Maze

Two years have come and gone, self harm just a thing of the past. But it's not really. The week before I completed 24 full months of uncut skin, I was so tempted to break it. I remember the feeling from almost three years ago. I had finally been clean for six whole months , but then the pressure was just too much and I hurt myself again. Most of it, I believe, was the stress I was putting myself under, and the fear of living without depression. I have struggled with that despair for a long time. For years I was just a person with depression, and I was scared, because I didn't know who I was without the depression. When something is present in your life for years on end, how do you suddenly survive without it? It's not that simple. I've always known that. I've run away from happiness and purposely sabotaged myself out of fear of the future, fear of the unknown. It would be wrong of me to say that I don't feel that way anymore. That I'm not scared or hurting ...

I'm scared, but if you ask me why, I can't tell you. Scared of the future, I guess, but mostly afraid of myself.  I see old habits slowly returning, and I am not overcoming them. But what terrifies me most is not that I can't, but that I simply choose not to. I choose not to eat and to maybe scratch my wrist a little more than necessary and it's been 23 months since I last cut myself and that's incredible but I can't believe it and the pressure of that is making me want to relapse. I'm hurting and I'm ashamed and I don't even know what I want to say and I didn't even have the words in my head this time but I just felt this lonely emptiness, this blank slate that is my mind. I'm scared because he is, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. And god, I love him, I do, and I truly see a future with him. But that doesn't make my insecurities go away and I'm working on it and every time I'm with him I have to convince myself that h...

I had another anxiety attack last night. I'm scared of coming out, of showing my true self with all my flaws, I'm afraid his family won't accept me. I love him, and I do truly believe I have a future with him, but just showing them how scared and vulnerable and weak I really am? The thought terrifies me. I'm sorry, I know they're friendly and they're very accepting, they probably would not even care! But I am so desperate for their approval, I want so badly for them to like me, that I can't help it. The kids have already gotten used to me, most of them not even batting an eye at my presence, and some even come straight to me to play. It's extremely comforting to know that even the children have accepted me as one of their own. I also realized, that I cannot be a parent. I say that, and I disagree because I want to believe that one day I will be a good mother, but it is so difficult for me to truly believe that. There were nine kids last night, among th...

My head hurts, but it doesn't, my stomach hurts and my anxiety rises. What am I so scared of? I don't want to leave my happy place, but really, does anyone? I'm so confused, and the emotions are tying up my body in uncomfortable ways, making me question my reasoning for things. Tired eyes, exhausted mind and fatigued body. I can't focus, can't concentrate, I'm just so sorry for everything. I'm scared, terrified, of going back to normal. And what's so bad about normal? Nothing, really, except the constant anxiety and my fear and the panic. Why do I even suffer from them? What is there to be scared of? I don't know where all this relentless poison comes from, how it seeps into my body and my mind in so many different ways, but it has to stop. I need it to stop. How do I stop this? Can I learn to control it? So important and yet nothing. I've come up with zero ways to fix this, to fix me. Do I even need fixing? Is that what this is about? Do I still...

I'm sorry, I don't mean to push you away. I do it unconsciously, if it was on purpose I would stop immediately. I take a deep breath but I can't seem to breathe, my lungs can never get enough air in them and I suffocate, choking and turning to lay in the fetal position while I start breathing quick and shallow and my heart rate increases and my mind goes blank and then three sentences pop into my head. You don't want this. This isn't what you bargained for. You don't want to have to put up with this. And I'm sorry that I'm distancing myself from everyone else, I'm sorry I really am. Deep breath. Typing as these loud keys make so much noise and my heart beats with each quick tap and I calm myself with the constant tapping noise of these keys as I type. Repeat myself, over and over, no one can hear me, they don't understand. Adjust myself to everyone else, only to make them adjust themselves to adapt to me. It's not worth all these changes an...

Stress. Anxiety. I'm scared to go back. With all the good comes a lot of bad, and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it. Is anyone ever ready? But I'm not. I'm terrified, I don't know how to control my emotions. I can't handle them and it's difficult for me to deal with myself when I can't even define how I'm feeling in one word. A swirl of emotions, almost all negative, and they are all pressing on me, suffocating me slowly, I feel them closing on my throat and my chest, stabbing me in the heart, puncturing my lungs, stealing away my breath, my heartbeat and my mind. I'm losing my mind and I don't know how to find it, where to find it, can anyone help me? I have to do this alone. I don't want to hurt anyone so I push them away and I end up suffering alone but I can't share the pain with them, they aren't strong enough to deal with it and they'll end up hurting more than I am and fuck it hurts and it hurts to hurt them and I ...

Confidence. That's what life is all about. It's the key to winning, really. I realize that a little bit more every day. Whether it's the way you dress, or dance, or speak, as long as you show that you are comfortable in your own skin, everyone around you will feel it too. I see it when I look at the people around me, when I look at myself in the mirror. It's incredible really, how it doesn't matter what you do. If you do it with confidence, people around you will sense it. I myself often feel awkward, and I am still learning how to be me without caring about anyone else. It gets easier, usually, and when I do manage to let go of the burden of other peoples' opinions, it feels amazing. Truth is, I look at people who dance terribly or aren't the most attractive, but then I see how confident they are and all of a sudden they're sexy , they're beautiful . It never ceases to amaze me, and I don't think it ever will. I hope one day I can learn to be ...