Two years have come and gone, self harm just a thing of the past. But it's not really. The week before I completed 24 full months of uncut skin, I was so tempted to break it. I remember the feeling from almost three years ago. I had finally been clean for six whole months, but then the pressure was just too much and I hurt myself again. Most of it, I believe, was the stress I was putting myself under, and the fear of living without depression. I have struggled with that despair for a long time. For years I was just a person with depression, and I was scared, because I didn't know who I was without the depression. When something is present in your life for years on end, how do you suddenly survive without it?
It's not that simple. I've always known that. I've run away from happiness and purposely sabotaged myself out of fear of the future, fear of the unknown. It would be wrong of me to say that I don't feel that way anymore. That I'm not scared or hurting or suffering. But it's different.
Today I spoke to a friend who I haven't spoken to in about two years. And we're both doing really well. It's insane to hear that, because last time we met we were both suffering from severe depression, self harm, and confidence issues. And now I can just hear in her voice how much better she is. As she put it, "Suddenly the sky is blue, the sun is shining! You know?" And I couldn't have put it any better. In the past when our lives had collided, we had both seen nothing but gray skies, thunderstorms and a dark dreary future. And now. Well, now we know what happiness is.
I won't say that I'm happy every day. In fact, just today I was on the verge of a panic attack because of a stressful situation.
Yesterday, during my therapy, I had a breakthrough. It was just a small realization, but it was so difficult for me to process. Until now, I hadn't realized how much my trauma had taken over my life. How even insignificant decisions that had nothing to do with boys or panic led to a spiral of fear and flashbacks. I'm terrified. How much of my life is really controlled by this trauma? And more importantly, will I ever be able to regain control of myself, my decisions, my life?
I hope for a day when I can stop living in fear of myself. I think that's my most significant feeling right now: fear. Afraid of the future, scared of the past, too terrified to even think about moving on. Yet every day, here I am, taking one more step forward. I am a fighter. I will not sink to this depression no matter how tempting it is. I am strong, and I know I can get through it. I believe in myself.