My head hurts, but it doesn't, my stomach hurts and my anxiety rises. What am I so scared of? I don't want to leave my happy place, but really, does anyone? I'm so confused, and the emotions are tying up my body in uncomfortable ways, making me question my reasoning for things. Tired eyes, exhausted mind and fatigued body. I can't focus, can't concentrate, I'm just so sorry for everything. I'm scared, terrified, of going back to normal. And what's so bad about normal? Nothing, really, except the constant anxiety and my fear and the panic. Why do I even suffer from them? What is there to be scared of? I don't know where all this relentless poison comes from, how it seeps into my body and my mind in so many different ways, but it has to stop. I need it to stop. How do I stop this? Can I learn to control it? So important and yet nothing. I've come up with zero ways to fix this, to fix me. Do I even need fixing? Is that what this is about? Do I still, deep inside, believe I am a broken little girl just waiting to be healed, to be put back together? Is this really as difficult as I make it out to be or is it all in my mind, I'm so confused. And the tears come and I can't stop those either and I'm so sick of it, of feeling this weak, this wrong, that I just can't control myself anymore. But I want to cry, to let it all out somehow, and I want people to see because I need them to realize that I'm not okay, I'm not doing well, but all they see is smiles and sunshine and they don't know. I hide it, but not consciously, and they get upset when I show it and there's just no way I can ever win this war. It's me against myself, and that's what hurts most. It's my own nails digging into my skin, my own lips whispering toxic sentences over and over. I try to convince myself I'm not good enough but I know that I am, that I deserve this and more, but I'm so used to getting the bad that I've lost all hope I'll ever live with good and now that I have it I push it away because I'm still convinced it's all a lie. I know it's not, he wouldn't do that to me yet still I doubt because I learn from experience and experience has taught me that everyone lets you down and no one actually cares. Only a few select specials will ever care enough to stay around and even they will leave you at some point when they're just too tired or too busy with themselves. And I don't blame them, I really don't, because I do it too but honestly it's just so difficult for me to live with that and to handle being alone at times I need it but won't admit it. I'm sorry I'm hurting you and you hurt me too and forgiveness is inevitable for everyone but myself, myself and the newbies, people who don't know me or who I haven't known long and the words just won't stop flowing and I don't want them to but I also know this is a sign of stress and I'm rambling for nothing because I don't want to go back to the real world, I don't want to deal with what's going on outside of the computer, away from my mind and the walls I can build around them.
And I've been having flashbacks and they're so difficult for me to deal with and I love him so why do I see him and I'm so done with seeing his ugly face I just want it to go away but my mind is saying, remember that time when you were standing outside? And remember that time when he touched you where you're being touched now? Or those times when he kissed you and said he loved you? And now it's happening again but with a different guy and I love him so much and I make him happy and I can tell he loves me, I know he does, I can see it in his eyes. Then why do I feel so scared, and will it ever go away? I know it's not the same but I close my eyes and am transported four, five, six years back and I want to pull my hair out from the roots because maybe then my head will go through the same pain my mind is. As I take a deep breath and try to calm myself I remember that life isn't that easy and now my head hurts where I tried to rip my hair out and my throat is closing and I can't breathe anymore. I see my face in every place and I hate it, I don't like looking at myself, I can't stand seeing the person I've become, the body I have, and I've been hating on my body so much lately it hurts. And he makes me feel loved, and sexy, and beautiful, yet I still look at my body and see everything wrong with it and I notice every way it's failing me and the places I need surgery or the doctors I need to see and scars don't bother me so much anymore but the birthmarks still do and my skin is hurting and I want to rip my conscience away from my body so I don't suffer the same as this skeleton. I know that I'm hurting him, I'm sorry I am, but lately I feel like I've been hurting everyone including myself and these mood swings I go through are uncontrollable and I don't know how to handle them or how to deal with the stress it lays upon me when I realize I've hurt yet another one of my friends.
My mind is a hurricane and there's so much going on that I can't focus on any one thing but I can't pay attention to everything either and as a result it leaves me feeling lost in my own brain with words and emotions rushing past me at a million miles an hour, too fast for me to consider or even fully process. That's why I write, because I may not be able to keep up with my mind but usually my fingers can and this way I can stop and look back on it and realize exactly what it was that I was feeling or thinking. I eat things I shouldn't just like I say things I shouldn't, I take my feelings out on other people and I'm sorry, I should be honest with you, but sometimes I just don't know how to be. And I know honesty is always the best way but I can't stand hurting you even when I know it's the better of the two ways to hurt you, truth and lies. It seems lately all I've been doing is hurting anyone I care about and that's something I can't forgive myself for, that is what will destroy me in the end, my apathy and indifference to others.