I had another anxiety attack last night. I'm scared of coming out, of showing my true self with all my flaws, I'm afraid his family won't accept me. I love him, and I do truly believe I have a future with him, but just showing them how scared and vulnerable and weak I really am? The thought terrifies me. I'm sorry, I know they're friendly and they're very accepting, they probably would not even care! But I am so desperate for their approval, I want so badly for them to like me, that I can't help it.
The kids have already gotten used to me, most of them not even batting an eye at my presence, and some even come straight to me to play. It's extremely comforting to know that even the children have accepted me as one of their own.
I also realized, that I cannot be a parent. I say that, and I disagree because I want to believe that one day I will be a good mother, but it is so difficult for me to truly believe that. There were nine kids last night, among them two babies, who were yelling and screaming and crying and laughing. It was so overwhelming to me, I blocked it out by escaping to the couch and drifting off to sleep. I think back to babysitting, when I was so overwhelmed from that baby crying that I had to call my mother to help me put him to sleep. I remember how sometimes my cousins are difficult and argue and I don't know how I would ever be able to deal with that. It gives me a new appreciation and understanding of how strong their mothers must be, the incredible women who are just doing their best to raise them, despite any problems of their own. That doesn't make me any less terrified. My biggest fear is that my anxiety and panic will take over my life, that I will not be able to handle both dealing with my emotions and taking care of any children I might have. My maternal instincts have grown lately, become more powerful, now that I feel I truly have a future. I hold the babies, I soothe the kids when they cry or hit their head, I feel so motherly that it hurts. And I don't dislike it. But they're not my children, so I can leave them be and not have responsibility. I cannot just leave my children to cry or hurt, simply because I am having an anxiety attack.
He says I worry too much, and I probably do, but knowing that doesn't help much in changing it. I'm scared, and nervous. I know a lot can change in two years, and I won't even begin to consider children until that time. I worry too far into the future. But if I want to take care of my future children, I have to take care of myself, and I think that's what scares me most, that's the most difficult part for me. Knowing that no one is responsible for my own wellbeing but me. I won't have anyone to take care of me, except myself. And I need to learn that and deal with it, but for now, I think I'm fine worrying. I don't want that kind of responsibility resting on my shoulders, despite the fact that that's what life is all about.