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I'm Fucking Angry

 Fury. Rage. Irate.

I'm angry. I'm so mad, and I have the right to be. It's not just about what happened now, it's about everything that's happened in the last ten years. A boundary was crossed, a big one, and it just brought up everything you've done, every time you've tiptoed past my red line and I've had to let it go.

Well, now I'm done. I'm tired of letting it go. Of begging for your forgiveness, even when I don't feel particularly in the wrong. Of having to apologize a dozen times over just because your pride couldn't handle it, your emotional intelligence wasn't strong enough for empathy.

Is it my pride or my anger? Does it even matter? I'm no longer boiling over but I still steam every time I think about it. I'm frustrated, and aggravated, and I keep getting sucked into the wormhole. Why do I always find myself stuck in your drama? I hate that I let it affect me so much. But on the other hand, I've never stood up to you. Not in our ten years. And now that I finally did, I don't want to go back on it. I don't think I was in the wrong at all. I still 100% stand by what I did, by my reaction, and I'm really just disappointed in you and yours. I guess I thought you knew me better, but how could you, if you don't even know your own son? Clearly you're not interested in knowing either of us, you only want us to fit in these boxes you built for us in your mind. The perfect, obedient children who never disagree, who praise you and raise you on a pedestal. I've never been that, even though at times I've tried, but now I'm absolutely not interested in trying. Never again.

I'm tired of letting you step all over me, of pretending I care, of being nice even when I don't want to be. You want to start this? Fine. I can keep it business only. I don't need to share things, I don't need you to know me or my life, pretending to make an effort. I'm tired of handling your upkeep. I've tried, I really have, but I'm tired. I'm sick of trying, of doing my best, just so you can explode every time I make a mistake. Now it's your turn. You made "a mistake" and I'm holding my ground.

I wish I could call it a mistake. It's a fundamental disagreement that we'll never get past, and each year we'll have more arguments and fights about it. "But it's just who you are", but I can't give a fuck anymore. It's not what I want for me, for my children, and I don't want to spend their whole life having to explain to them why every word out of your mouth is biased, obnoxious, rude, disrespectful. Get your shit together. It's not my job to educate you, I wish you'd just fucking educate yourself. Be open to learning things that aren't what you've known until now. Get with the times, man. Care about more than yourself and your pride enough to accept other ideas.

I'm so tired of you and your drama.

I'm almost sorry it had to be this way.

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