Although it's said often enough for everyone to know it by heart, this is true:
You are who you are today because of everything you've been through.
Everything I have ever experienced, day in and day out, has all made me me. If I had said 'no' five years go, if I hadn't gotten so attached to a stranger online, if I had never listened to that first song that made me fall in love. If I had made one small decision differently, it would have changed everything. Obviously some things are more significant than others. If I had chosen to eat a sandwich this afternoon instead of an omelet, it would have affected my life, though clearly not as much as, say, if I had chosen different friends. Each and every day you have the choice, the option, to change your life. And you do. No matter what you decide at any given moment, you are alternating your day, affecting your life as a whole. I once thought it would be funny to freak out my friend by putting a knife to my skin. That small mistake led me to an addiction that took months to overcome. I didn't go through with my gut feeling, and it led me to three full years of trauma. I chose to put my information online and it led me to one of my best friends.
How can I explain the emotion I feel over this? I am so proud of the person I have become today after all the struggles I've been through. But this does not make me happy that I was where I was. I've been close to death, I've lost everything. Everything was ripped out from under my feet. I was viciously yanked from my own life into a whirlwind of emotions and threats, abuse and fear. Anxiety. Depression. Perhaps if I had made a different decision five years ago I would have sunk into depression anyways. And maybe it would have been even worse.
Everything in life is about balance. I will never thank him for putting me through all the shit, those fucked up times, the anxiety and fear, the responsibility no 14 year old should have. But I am thankful for myself, my family and friends. The people who stood by me no matter what. Who cried with me when I shared my burden, who were angry as I told my story in tears. Who threatened to go back and hurt the person who made me hurt so much. I love these people, more than anyone could ever know. And I will appreciate them to the end of the world and beyond.