This past week hasn't been easy for me, and I've been writing lots of angry rants. They're piling up on my phone and in my mind and I need to get them out, need to get rid of them, even if no one sees it, even if it will hurt some people, I just have to let it go and I can't do that if they're just sitting in my own dark corner, I need to set them free so I can let go of them.
The problem with chocolate is, as soon as I take the first bite, I'm craving it for like a week. I don't actually care enough to do something about it. It's days like this, when I just don't care enough, that throw me off track the most. I want to eat something and I know I shouldn't, so either way I lose. Either I eat some crap I shouldn't or I force myself to not eat and end up hungry. I don't know which is the worse of the two. Usually I eat shit just because not eating is a terrifying habit that's much more addicting. Either way I end up tired and in pain. I'm just fucking tired of it all, of always having to make these stupid ass decisions because my body can't fucking function properly. Why do I have to suffer through this? I hate it, I hate myself and my body for it. Yeah I'm gonna stop talking now. You don't need this, I don't need this.
You have no idea what talking about it does to me.
If I keep talking I'm just going to explode and I doubt you want to be near me when that happens.Well you shouldn't care about me. I shouldn't matter to you
Do you understand that? I will never stop pushing you away. I don't trust you, I never will, and I will always try to protect myself from you.
Fuck you.
I'm mad and angry and you're not helping. I told you I was going to explode. This is just the beginning. If you want me to rant and yell at you, curse you out and tell you I hate you, fine. But don't blame me when at the end of the day your feelings get hurt. Because I warned you, you don't want to get close to me.
You don't fucking get it and it makes me want to rip my hair out. I'm mad at the world, I fucking hate myself, and above all else, I can't even concentrate enough to write. I'm tired and hurting and I never want to eat again in my life. I want to stuff my face with chocolate. I'm having second thoughts about everything and everyone in my life and I just want everyone to leave me alone. Fuck you. You think you understand, but you don't know the first thing about me. You can't handle me. I have so much emotional baggage that even I can't handle me. Sooner or later, you'll get sick and tired of me and my ranting and my raving mood swings and if I'm being fucking honest, I'd rather you leave now than later. I want to listen to sad music and cry all day, but I can't fucking cry because my stupid body won't let me. I'm never in control, never! That's why I started hurting myself in the first place. If I'm feeling pain anyways, might as well choose it. I'm so fucking tired of people telling me they understand, or that it's okay, or any of that sickening crap. No one gets me. No one knows what I'm going through or why. And I'd much prefer if everyone stopped trying to pretend they care.
I'm silent, my words are numb, I've gone empty. Typing on my phone just feels so wrong, I need to get the words out, ink on paper. It's not fast enough, not accurate enough, not me enough. It's a fucking screen and I can't do it. Why am I like this today? I want to eat but not from cravings, I'll spend money on pointless crap and eat shit I shouldn't and all because I feel terrible about myself and I couldn't fit into that pair of pants this morning and I wanted to cry. This isn't me, this isn't what I want, how can I stop what's in my own blood and genes? Can I stop it? Or am I destined to end up like everyone else, tired, overweight, depressed. I'm so so exhausted even thinking about that, I don't want to go there, I don't want to be here, I want to be happy, healthy, fit and fine. I want to be loved and love in return, I want I want but I can't always get and what is this shit I just can't believe I don't know what I'm saying anymore I'm just typing nonstop nonsense and it feels good to get it out and just not even think but I'm thinking about lunch and skipping a meal but I shouldn't but I'll buy a sandwich and I shouldn't do that either but why would I eat the crap they serve me? Maybe it's worth it to not spend money and it's not always bad and not too good either but still it's something but I could go for chocolate and fries and ice cream and everything I'm mad at for making me fucking fat but if I'm already there, then why stop now, it's food and it's fuel and I don't even fucking care I just want to eat and I'm hungry and I wouldn't mind not eating either but I know that's wrong but which one is more wrong, which would be worse? I can't even think it's all hurting my brain and my phone is slowing but my words just keep running, it's like no one can keep up with me, even I can't keep up with me, back and forth and all these emotions and I'm genuinely confused because what do I feel and who towards and does anyone care and why are people talking to me and I just don't fucking get it I'm sick of all this shit I'm confused and upset and angry at the world and angry at myself and my phone is freezing and I'm freezing but not because I'm cold just because I'm scared and I share my secrets as if they're nothing with people I hardly know but the longer you know me the more I'll keep from you because you don't know me, not really, not at all, you just know what I say or do and how I act around you but that doesn't say or mean much because I act differently about everyone and their quirks and my quirks mix together weirdly and strangely and wonderfully and I can't even breathe anymore it's like the words steal my breath when I don't have any to begin with and even though I don't move my mouth my mind is just running so damn fast that I run out of breath from all the fucking effort it takes even though it's quite effortless, it's easy, it flows, but it's so goddamn tiring and each to their own and I'm hurt and tired and anxious my head hurts so help me please, who am I praying to? Actually I do, don't make fun of me for it, quotes and sentences that aren't even mine and how can I know if I'm ever original if I'm always remembering other people's work?
Take a deep breath, even though it shakes, don't let the tears fall or even form, stop them as early as possible and you'll save yourself from choking out a half-assed explanation for something you don't even understand yourself because how can you? Feelings are never one or solid, they're constantly forming, changing, evolving, and love and hate are closer together than you think and it hurts because they're so alike you wouldn't even be able to comprehend unless you've been in that position and I switch so rapidly between those two and not just about others but about me too and it's confusing because I love myself but I hate myself and I know what I should do but really how often do people do what they should do, and why would I be any different because I'm human like anyone else and we all make mistakes and we all have these feelings and we're all just one big nightmare from hell and we must give god and aliens a headache because we're such a pain in the godfucking ass and who would even be able to handle the violence and hate that comes with a race like us, we are all the same but hating for nothing and fucks sake it's all so exhausting and I can't even live or breathe or concentrate and I feel like I could run on forever and still not feel satisfied with all that I've written because they just never stop, this never-ending flow of words. The stream goes on, and I can only try not to drown.